And I would also like to add before anything else that I am truly happy right now. I feel so lucky and loved in my life. I can honestly say I have never been more content with my life than I am now. I'm just stressed, and here's why....
To start, I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. On the one hand I definitely want to go to law school and prove to myself and everyone else that I am smart enough, and talented enough to do it. I have also decided that by having a high paying career I could possibly get out of cleaning toilets for the rest of my life, and that's a huge perk if you ask me!!
But on the other hand, I've realized this year what is truly important to me, and it's my kids. With the loss of my niece at the beginning of the year, and the brain tumor/scary neurological disease scare over the summer, I've really had to think about what was important and what I really wanted out of life. When there was the possibility of having a brain tumor that I might die from it I made a bucket list, and at the very top of the list was spending every minute I could with my children and making sure that they had the best memories possible of their mommy. The second thing on my list was reintroducing potatoes into my diet, which I have done and am a much happier person because of it. But back to spending time with my kids. I really do want them to have the best childhood possible for them, and I want to be volunteering in their classrooms and enjoying their soccer practices, and all the little things that their lives are, and right now I'm not because I just don't have the time or patience for it with all my school work.
My biggest fear in life is failure, and right now I feel like no matter what I choose I'll be failing at something. Do I show my kids that you never give up on your goals and that you can accomplish anything you put your mind to? Or do I stay home and make sure that their life is consistent, and that they are given all my attention and energy?
Next topic.... My hair was falling out for about 6 months!! I probably lost about half my hair. And I know some of you are thinking, "oh no! now you only have 3 times as much hair as me instead of 6!" Well, this may be true, but it is still traumatic and I still feel like I'm going bald. I can now see my scalp where I part my hair and it bothers me!!! I've been looking around and it appears this is normal, however it's not normal for me!!! I am happy to report that my hair has stopped falling out, but unfortunately has not started growing back yet. Oh, and the doctor thinks it was caused by a combination of hormone changes and stress, and assured me it was just a shedding phase and I should re-grow almost all my hair eventually.
Continuing in my problems with my looks is my skin. I am soooo broken out lately. I rarely to never had zits as a teenager and all of a sudden my face looks horrific!!! I have no idea what's causing it, but am pretty sure it's the same as my hair issue, stress and hormones. I don't know what to do about it either.
The next problem is my house. I still do not have a single picture on the wall. That is beyond pathetic people!!! I keep thinking I'm going to start decorating but then I panic and don't because I'm too afraid of the commitment!! Why is decorating my house so hard? I used to dream of owning my home so I could do whatever I wanted with it. Now I have the opportunity and have no idea what I want to do with it!!
The last problem is a huge one, and I don't want anyone to think that because it's last it's not weighing on me because it really, really, is. I hate that I live so far away from my sister right now. She is literally living through hell and I am not there for her. I have so much guilt I cannot even describe it to you. And then I wasn't even emotionally available for her over the summer because of my health scare, and I hate myself for it. I know she doesn't blame me for anything, but I blame myself. But the thing is, even if I did live close and even if I was stable, what could I actually do? Nothing, I can't take away her pain and that bothers me, and frustrates me, and makes me really angry!!!
Congratulations if you made it through that post, you are truly bored!!! But thanks for listening, I needed to get that off my chest.