Monday, November 2, 2009

I'm gonna ramble for a few minutes

So I have a lot on my mind and it's just starting to weigh me down a little too much lately. If you don't feel like listening to me bitch and moan for a few minutes please feel free to navigate away from the page now. Also, I am NOT looking for pity or sympathy, I hate pity and sympathy with a capital HATE!!! So don't do it. It's not why I'm posting this. I'm posting it in hopes that putting it out in the universe will release it from my brain and maybe I can have a little peace.

And I would also like to add before anything else that I am truly happy right now. I feel so lucky and loved in my life. I can honestly say I have never been more content with my life than I am now. I'm just stressed, and here's why....

To start, I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. On the one hand I definitely want to go to law school and prove to myself and everyone else that I am smart enough, and talented enough to do it. I have also decided that by having a high paying career I could possibly get out of cleaning toilets for the rest of my life, and that's a huge perk if you ask me!!

But on the other hand, I've realized this year what is truly important to me, and it's my kids. With the loss of my niece at the beginning of the year, and the brain tumor/scary neurological disease scare over the summer, I've really had to think about what was important and what I really wanted out of life. When there was the possibility of having a brain tumor that I might die from it I made a bucket list, and at the very top of the list was spending every minute I could with my children and making sure that they had the best memories possible of their mommy. The second thing on my list was reintroducing potatoes into my diet, which I have done and am a much happier person because of it. But back to spending time with my kids. I really do want them to have the best childhood possible for them, and I want to be volunteering in their classrooms and enjoying their soccer practices, and all the little things that their lives are, and right now I'm not because I just don't have the time or patience for it with all my school work.

My biggest fear in life is failure, and right now I feel like no matter what I choose I'll be failing at something. Do I show my kids that you never give up on your goals and that you can accomplish anything you put your mind to? Or do I stay home and make sure that their life is consistent, and that they are given all my attention and energy?

Next topic.... My hair was falling out for about 6 months!! I probably lost about half my hair. And I know some of you are thinking, "oh no! now you only have 3 times as much hair as me instead of 6!" Well, this may be true, but it is still traumatic and I still feel like I'm going bald. I can now see my scalp where I part my hair and it bothers me!!! I've been looking around and it appears this is normal, however it's not normal for me!!! I am happy to report that my hair has stopped falling out, but unfortunately has not started growing back yet. Oh, and the doctor thinks it was caused by a combination of hormone changes and stress, and assured me it was just a shedding phase and I should re-grow almost all my hair eventually.

Continuing in my problems with my looks is my skin. I am soooo broken out lately. I rarely to never had zits as a teenager and all of a sudden my face looks horrific!!! I have no idea what's causing it, but am pretty sure it's the same as my hair issue, stress and hormones. I don't know what to do about it either.

The next problem is my house. I still do not have a single picture on the wall. That is beyond pathetic people!!! I keep thinking I'm going to start decorating but then I panic and don't because I'm too afraid of the commitment!! Why is decorating my house so hard? I used to dream of owning my home so I could do whatever I wanted with it. Now I have the opportunity and have no idea what I want to do with it!!

The last problem is a huge one, and I don't want anyone to think that because it's last it's not weighing on me because it really, really, is. I hate that I live so far away from my sister right now. She is literally living through hell and I am not there for her. I have so much guilt I cannot even describe it to you. And then I wasn't even emotionally available for her over the summer because of my health scare, and I hate myself for it. I know she doesn't blame me for anything, but I blame myself. But the thing is, even if I did live close and even if I was stable, what could I actually do? Nothing, I can't take away her pain and that bothers me, and frustrates me, and makes me really angry!!!

Congratulations if you made it through that post, you are truly bored!!! But thanks for listening, I needed to get that off my chest.


amanda said...

I read it all and thanks for sharing.

Your kids are lucky to have a mommy who loves them enough to think of all the things you thought of. I'm sure they will be able to feel your love and know of your love. It breaks my heart to see my kids growing so fast. I think that is part of motherhood!

Hang in there. You are a good person!

Sorry I don't have any amazing words of wisdom to share!!! I just liked this post.

Crystal said...

Phew - I bet that felt better! I have one of those posts in me for this week too - actually I think my last bulleted list was kind of a brain dump of everything too.

I totally know what you mean about the kids / life path (career, school, etc) choice. I think there is probably a balance, but hell if I know where to find it. I am feeling the HUGE tug to not go back to a corporate job after this baby is born - I just really don't want to. Like you said - I want to be classroom volunteering and going to the soccer practices and such - and not feeling like I'm rushing through it all because I've just had an exhausting day at work and I had to hurry home in rush hour traffic to try and make it there on time.

And I don't think we have to look at succeeding in one thing as failing in another thing - maybe just prioritizing what's most important to us at the time? I don't think there would be a darn thing wrong with any of the options that you choose regarding school, career, kids - it's what makes you happiest.

So anywho - hope my comment didn't come across as sympathetic or pity-ish - because I didn't feel those emotions while writing it. :) If anything, I guess it would be empathetic because I have felt how you feel.

Paige said...

Wow, that IS a lot!! No wonder your a tad stressed. Just remember I love ya and so does everyone else. I think venting now and then is healthy so I say good on ya for being so good to yourself.

Anonymous said...

WELL....... I think you are a great mother and I think guilt is just one of the aspects of motherhood unfortunately. We always feel like we can and should do more even though we are exhausted and just not up to it. It's OKAY. I have been feeling really stressed too about work and everything, but all you can do is take a deep breath and say to yourself "i will get through this"
Please, please, please don't feel bad about not being there for me. YOU HAVE BEEN. And it has meant a lot to me to have you to talk to when i needed to and when you surprised me for my birthday, that was the best birthday present ever. I love you and you are the best sister ever!!!!

KatieB said...

sometimes venting posts are needed. here are my comments:
1. i don't know if you have always wanted to be a lawyer, in which case, ignore my coming comments: but going to law school just to prove to yourself and others that you are smart enough is not a good reason. anyone who knows you would never doubt that about you, we all know you could do it and be great at it. the real question is if that is what you want to do all day everyday. law school and the actual working as an attorney things is a HUGE time commitment. it will take over your life, so you need to be sure that that's the life you want. i have a good friend who is an attorney and is ecstatic because she has finally quit and gets to be home with her kids now.
2. jason will make plenty of money for you to hire a cleaning person. worst case scenario, you can trade dental services for housekeeping.
3. potatoes should never be eliminated from anyone's diet for longer than 2 weeks. period. no wonder you were feeling so off-kilter!
4. you never fail if you try. going back and getting your bachelor's is huge. you are teaching good lessons to your kids. people's goals change though. there's nothing wrong with that. it doesn't mean you failed if you don't complete something that maybe isn't a priority in your life anymore. my goal was always to write novels, which i've never officially done, and maybe i'll do it someday, but right now, i just try to keep CPS from taking my kids and the house liveable.
5. decorating is very nerve wrecking. it is expensive, you have to commit to a style that you may second guess later if you're like me and like lots of different looks, and it takes up a lot of time and energy. just do a piece at a time and don't stress.
6. hope my comments weren't too annoying.

Aaron and Melissa said...

I read the whole thing! I have very similar thoughts at times...I am sure we all do. My advice is...first, don't beat yourself up. We can't do everything! I have learned to let go of the things that I can't do much about and do what is most meaningful to me. Just prioritize and try to do what you can. About breaking out...yeah, that happens to me too...when will it ever stop? Hopefully de-stressing will help. Hang in there. I will give you a call soon!!

Shelley said...

Sometimes I say to Jake, "I just don't want to be fifty wondering what I did with my life!" And he says, "you mean besides raise three great kids???" I totally relate to your law school struggle. It is hard to do the job you want to do of mothering and still pursue your own ambitions. I'm glad you are feeling more at peace about this now.